Go Ahead and Cry
You don't have to leave your humanity at the office door
I remember the first time I cried at work.
I was leading a university-wide project and one of our AVPs—who was unpleasant on a good day—was being a territorial jerk. I sat in my CIO’s office describing the latest run-in. I was upset, frustrated, and … I was crying.
His reaction? “You need to get thicker skin, Rae.”
I asked why we shouldn’t expect the AVP to be more civil and collegial, instead. But I knew the answer (I suspect you do, too).
“Toughen up” is a terrible response, but the underlying sentiment in this particular case wasn’t all-together bad. Some people are just assholes. That’s on them and has nothing to do with you. So why let them get to you? It’s not about you.
That said … crying is a natural human response to emotion.
“Tears are a sign of how deeply you feel life: this is a good thing.”
Lisbeth Darsh, Never Apologize for Crying
I teared up or full-on cried at work when:
North Carolina passed its bathroom bill, and my partner and I no longer felt safe to be openly gay in public. I was at Davidson at the time, in a leadership team meeting to discuss the impact of the law on students, faculty, and staff.
Five members of my team were laid off—without warning or explanation—last year. I called a team meeting to share what I knew about the situation, and everyone was heartbroken and scared. Including me.
I was going through some changes in my personal life. My colleague was having health issues. A co-worker unexpectedly died. Life happens, and sometimes it’s upsetting, overwhelming, or just plain sad.
We are humans, first and foremost. And we cannot—and should not be expected to—leave our humanity at the office door.
So let’s stop apologizing for it, shall we?
When people cry in front of me—and invariably say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, I don’t usually do this, I don’t know why I’m crying, I’m so sorry”—my response is always “no need to apologize” and “congratulations, you’re human!”
Because being our full human selves—both inside and out of work—is a good thing.
So the next time you start to tear up at work … go ahead. Be human. And remember that you can cry if you want (or need) to.
Food for thought: Is crying at work always okay? If it comes from a place of real human emotion, then yes (IMO, what do you think?). But if crying is used as a form of manipulation, probably not. And if it’s the work itself that’s making you cry, well … it might be time to move on.
Bonus: Check out Lisbeth Darsh’s post Never Apologize for Crying, which I cite above. It’s a quick but good read on the subject!